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Ten Worst Baby Products EVER!

The Zaky Infant Pillow is by far the creepiest baby product ever. Nothing screams I have no time for my baby like fake hands. This is for when your baby just needs to be cradled by cold lifeless hands.





This is supposedly just for bathroom breaks. But parents will be prone to convincing themselves that the baby loves being there and then it'll be the place to hang the baby while Mommy watches Oprah or opens the new box of Bon-Bons.














The leash. A weird umbilical cord-like thingie that I'm pretty sure even PETA would be against (that is if PETA cared at all about humans)












The Daddle. A saddle for Dad...Something just a little strange about this. I mean, Dad's have been letting kids ride on their back since Dad's had spines so why now do we need a saddle? And to me, it just upsets the balance of power in the house.











The Hamburger costume. Come on. Does this kid look comfortable? Throw some Mickey Mouse ears on the kid and go extort candy from your neighbors that way. This way, your neighbors won't call Child Services on you again.






Baby high heels. Why wait until your child is 16 and starts whoring herself up on Friday nights? Do it to her first. If you put these on your child, it's also likely your child might become a recurring character on the Jerry Springer show.








The Baby Mop. Ok. Picture this. Company's coming. You have to mop the floor, fold the laundry, and still cook up the pigs in a blanket. There's just no time. OK. Junior to the rescue. Put the Baby Mop on your child and let him do the work for you as he crawls around unattended in the kitchen (which is the most dangerous room for a child to be in anyway.) One problem is this might become addictive and you'll dissuade your child from learning to walk because they're just so useful crawling around.



The Po-Knee inspires me to ask the simple question: Why?
















The Buck-Toothed Pacifier! Get your child ready for high school early by introducing them to the concept of people pointing and laughing, shame and embarrassment. But it's fine. You'll get some good laughs out of it.









Baby tattoos. This is perfect for when you're playing Prison with your child. You'll lovingly tell them, "Remember honey, you get all tatted up and then you go right up to the biggest guy in the yard and shank him. That way everyone will know not to mess with you. That'll make getting drugs and cigs a lot easier."


H/T Cracked.com. They've often got really funny things over there but I warn you that they can be a little off-color sometimes.

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20 comments:

JimmyV said...

Alright, I admit that the Baby Swiffer seemed like a good idea to me when I dreamed it up with number 1.

Renee said...

Oh my, this is hilarious. Except for those hands - those are the things nightmares are made of.

Anonymous said...

Too funny!

nightfly said...

This is very confusing. Those "dads" in the pictures obviously have to have a working set, but they willingly wear the Daddle and the Po-Knee?

Maybe the kids are adopted.

Catholic Audio said...

@nightfly:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Fr. Erik Richtsteig said...

Why spend the money on the baby hanger when you already have duct tape and bungie cords?

Anonymous said...

Uh, oh -- somehow the UK newspapers ARE going to fake up a priest / child abuse connection.

-- Mack

Sue B. said...

Very funny! The hands are creepy. Never used the leash or the harness, but after having five children who wandered everywhere as toddlers -- the bigger the place the further they go, I fully support parents who use them.

kimberly said...

HAHAHAHA!!!

Definitely linking this one, guys!

LarryD said...

An eye-drying hilarious post - thanks for the Friday laugh!

Matthew said...

I can't belive the Baby Toupees haven't yet been mentioned: http://www.babytoupee.com/

I'm going to buy a pair of the Bob Marleys for my little daughter when she's born this November. It'll keep her little head warm through the winter..

Llama llama, Not yo mama said...

Oh my. Wish I had three over-the-door baby hangers for my brood sometimes. But then, I DO have duct tape....

This is very funny stuff.

munkeesmama said...

The hands are actually a GREAT invention and are geared towards use in hospital NICU's. They provide the cradling effect/pressure that babies in isolettes/warming tables need.

Joseph Chin said...

Why is is a Chinese baby that mops the floor? Hmm... kidding of course

matthew archbold said...

I thought that was why everyone was adopting them. No?

Ellyn said...

As a grandmother-in-waiting I sickened, horrified and extremely amused. I really think we'll need one of each...

My son-in-law is a dentist so his spawnlette must have a buck-toothed pacifier. And he's Chinese, too, so I think the mop thing is definitely in order.

And as the mother of two teenage boys, I see vast Halloween potential in the hands. (OK, we already have one incredibly real fake hand, but a pair? Superb!

Amy said...

Oh, goodness. My aunt and uncle bought us the buck-tooth pacifier as a joke.

I'm so ashamed that we not only own one, but that my son liked it. :(

Anonymous said...

I'm buying the mop outfit for all three of my kids.

Ages 14, 12 and 9.

bobbi said...

Hilarious and scary! Thanks for the laugh!

michael said...

Actually, the leash is a great idea. When my now 29-year-old brother was a toddler, he was a handful and impossible to keep hold of. The only way my parents could make sure he didn't bolt off into crowds, possibly never to be seen again, was to put him on a leash, which they did to no apparent ill effect.

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