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Damage The Planet to Save Us All!

I'm very busy...Can't talk long. Just read in the New York Times that an ice age is nigh. We're doomed. Doomed I say.

You've gotta' help me prevent this. I'm running around my house spraying aerosol cans, the minivan is idling in the driveway, I've deflated my tires, turned the air condition on high. Folks, we have to do what we can to heat up the earth. Kickstart global warming. Now! Stop reading this. Get to work causing environmental damage for the good of the planet. I'm also mixing Coke and Pop Rocks to feed some flatulent cows on a farm a few miles away. Anything to heat up the earth, you know. Oh yeah, let the fat lumberjacks from Ax Men into the rain forest. Tell Sting to get out of his treehouse in there. That'll help.

What's this? You don't believe me? What? It's in the New York Times! The Times of Jayson Blair and Maureen Dowd, for goodness sake. If it's in the Times it's written in stone. Well yeah, they were wrong about the whole doomsaying global warming business before but their intentions are good. So they were wrong once about climate change. So what are the chances of that happening twice in a row?

Here's the story.

A new analysis of the dramatic cycles of ice ages and warm intervals over the past million years, published in Nature, concludes that the climatic swings are the gyrations of a system poised to settle into a quasi-permanent colder state — with expanded ice sheets at both poles.
Someone call Al Gore, tell him to keep flying those jets all around the world. Tell Sarah Palin to drill ANWR. If you've ever cared about the Earth, please cause some environmental damage to save the planet.

I've gotta' call my wife now. We're going to need more CO2 breathing kids. She's not going to be happy.

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13 comments:

j. christian said...

As someone who has built complex computer simulation models at work, let me say this:

I don't believe any of them.

Did anyone notice this line from the abstract?

The best-fit model run, which explains almost 60% of the variance in global ice volume during the past 400 kyr

The best run of the model leaves more than 40% of the variation up to what? Chance? What else is going on here???

As George Box said, "All models are bad; some models are useful."

Adoro te Devote said...

What!? The ice age is here? I thought it was just winter!

My bad.

Mau said...

Darn! I was hoping global warming was true. I hate being cold!

matthew archbold said...

It can be. We just have to work together, Mau.

LarryD said...

You'd think the NYT would write a glowing story about how Al Gore's Nobel prize was deserved - he solved the global warming crisis!

I guess I can return those compact fluorescent bulbs to the hardware store now. Or at least hold off on replacing my incadescent ones for a while longer.

Eo Nomine said...

An ice age is coming?

Now that's an inconvenient truth...

Chris said...

This reminded me of another CMR post.

C'mon, SWING that Botafumeiro!! Extra!! Extra!! Catholic Church to save the world once again...with six-foot-high thurible! We'll SMOKE out those ecoterrorists! (Uh, did anyone remember the incense?)

Saving the world, one swing at a time. Hey, at least the scientists were right about the nature of things to shift like giant pendulums.

nightfly said...

That's it, I'm eating Taco Bell every day for a month. (And since I'll be sleeping on the porch as a result, it had better work.)

funtohavefun said...

I knew it was too cold! BRING BACK 80S HAIR!!!!!!!!

matthew archbold said...

There's some bands that will be very excited about that.

Adoro te Devote said...

Let me see if I can find my Aqua Net...when I stopped using it on my hair I used it as a fixer for my charcoals....

Rachel Gray said...

I've noticed I hear "climate change" warnings now where I used to hear the phrase "global warming". Until a few years ago temperatures were trending warmer; now they're cooling again which probably brought on the change in phraseology. Of course it's ridiculous to extrapolate a long-term trend from a few decades' data anyway, when we know the earth's temperature is cyclical, tied not to our atmosphere but the regular changes in the sun-- but my point is, what chutzpah the radical environmentalists have, to tacitly admit in their choice of phrasing that they don't even know which way it's going, but they intend to self-righteously lecture us about the disaster of it anyway!

Anonymous said...

If this is a surprise to anyone, then they weren't paying attention. Obama said that this happen: when he was elected the planet would start to cool. And so it has come to pass. This is only the beginning of the miracles that the readers of the NY Times will witness. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. Kit

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