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Project Holy Fire — Going Rogue

Dateline Vatican - In a truly stunning development, the Vatican today announced that it has begun development on its own nuclear program.

A Vatican spokesman today announced that the Vatican is currently operating 3,000 centrifuges within the confines of Vatican City as part of an effort to develop nuclear power. Monsignor TJ Kong said, "It is important that the Vatican becomes energy independent. This is, of course, entirely for peaceful purposes. However if we decided to develop nuclear weapons that would be our right. But at this time, Project Holy Fire is entirely peaceful in nature."

Leaders across the world were shocked by the announcement of Project Holy Fire and are left wondering whether Vatican scientists have the technology to develop a nuclear weapon. A high ranking EU official speaking on the condition of anonymity says they do. "Remember, the Church invented modern science and who knows what kind of information they have in those Vatican archives?"

International reaction was swift. While the Obama administration had previously shown little respect to the little City State, (championing abortion on demand, forcing the removal of Christian symbols before speaking at Catholic Universities, attempting to remove freedom of conscience for Catholic health care workers and adoption agencies, funding the destruction of embryos, and repeatedly trying to nominate a pro-choice ambassador) it seems to have its attention now.

In a hastily convened televised address to the Vatican, president Obama said:

Today I want to extend my very best wishes to all who have just celebrated Easter at the Vatican and around the world. This holiday is both an ancient ritual and a moment of renewal, and I hope that you enjoy this special time of year with friends and family.

In particular, I would like to speak directly to the people and leaders of the Vatican City State. Easter is just one part of your great and celebrated culture. Over many centuries your art, your music, your crusades and inquisition have made the world a better and more beautiful place.

Here in the United States our own communities have been enhanced by the contributions of Vatican Americans. We know that you are a great civilization, and your accomplishments have earned the respect of the United States and the world.

I know that too often in the past during previous administrations, the United States has acted in a heavy handed way toward toward the concerns of Vaticanites. Those days are over.

In order to show my new found respect for the Vatican and all her people I announce today that I am canceling my speech at Notre Dame. I didn't really want to do it in the first place but David Axelrod thought it was a good idea. In addition, if I do speak at another Catholic institution I will no longer require the removal of any Christian symbols. Now that I know that the Vatican is going rogue, all pre-conditions to dialogue are dropped.

I hope you will respond to my gesture of good will in kind. Perhaps by dropping your opposition to condoms or women priests, but this is not a pre-condition of dialogue. I fully intend to keep making concessions as long as you hate us. Thank you and as they say in the great Vatican language "Sursum Corda."
The Pope could not be reached for comment.

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20 comments:

Mack said...

Brilliant! Thank you!

Smiley said...

The Indo-Canadian Vaticanite thinks your very funny

Wendy in VA said...

"Vatican Americans" -- LOL!

Janelle said...

lol, hilarious!!!

LarryD said...

So would those be Intercontinental Ballistic Missals?

Roger said...

This is brilliant! Thank you!

Foxfier, formerly Sailorette said...

*gets the giggles* Love it!

Ryan said...

Some wonderful satirical touches.

Has anyone ever read 'A Canticle for Leibowitz?' It's a great science fiction novel, dripping with Catholicism at points...I thought of the book when I read this scenario.

Christopher Michael said...

Do we have a number on the people who were actually born within the geographical limits of Vatican City and therefore would be native "Vaticanites"?

~cmpt

Foxfier, formerly Sailorette said...

I think it's more like America-- you can join even though you're born elsewhere.

Christopher Michael said...

Foxfier,
Yes, I know, but I am interested in how many natural-born citizens there are.

~cmpt

Foxfier, formerly Sailorette said...

http://www.nationsencyclopedia.com/economies/Europe/Vatican-City.html

POPULATION.
In July 2001, the population of Vatican City was estimated at 890, with an estimated growth rate of 1.15 percent. The birth rate is extremely low by the very nature of the Holy See, which exists primarily as the center of authority over the Roman Catholic Church throughout the world. Its citizenry is, therefore, largely ecclesiastical (relating to the Church), supplemented by (often elderly) officers and servants of the Church. However, other dignitaries, as well as priests, nuns, guards, and some 3,000 lay workers actually reside outside the Vatican. There is no such thing as Vatican nationality, although rights of citizenship are conferred on non-Italians, such as members of the Swiss Papal Guard who are the traditional sentries at the city gates. Passports, issued by the Holy See rather than the Vatican state, are for diplomatic purposes only, and possession of a Holy See diplomatic passport does not automatically entitle the holder to rights of entry, residency, or citizenship.

The official language of the state is Italian; the Papal Guard's language, which is made up of Swiss nationals, is German. Several other languages are spoken, and the official acts of the Holy See are documented in Latin.

John Eammon said...

"Intercontinental Ballistic Missals"....hahahaha.....love it.

scripturelink said...

Brilliant take on Iran, wait, was it North Korea, or maybe Russia. Absolutely Brilliant satire. Laughing as per usual: brilliant as per usual:)!

From South Africa, where we actually shut down our nuclear weapons program, and apparently shelved our nukes: I hope America follows suite: Image South Africa as it is, but with nukes: ugh!

Anonymous said...

Let's send this to the Pope!!!!!

Moisés de Oliveira said...

Hilarious!

I hope I'll have your permission: I've posted a portuguese translation (with the credits) in the Brazilian blog Miles Ecclesiae (www.milesecclesiae.blogspot.com).

Thank you,

Moises

Rick said...

Will they retire the 2 hamsters spinning the turbines that provide the current power?

Daddio said...

Also loving the term "Vatican Americans"!

mzala said...

Heh, heh, heh, heh......

ZenTiger said...

Most excellent.

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