DVR and Tivo Are Destroying America

Last night I called my brother Pat because American Idol just finished. (Yeah, we're like 12 year old girls. OK?) He picks up the phone and starts screaming like a lunatic, "Don't say a word. lalalalalalala. Don't say anything. We're watching it right now. I'm twenty minutes behind." And then he hung up.

Well my first question is why the heck did he answer the phone. But I'm used to it. This isn't the first time he's done this. (I almost called 911 the first time but he explained himself quickly) But Pat hasn't watched a show in real time in three years. And he's not the only one. I talked to a buddy of mine today about what he thought of the final episode of 24. He threw a fit. "DON'T SAY ANYTHING!"

I told him Janeane Garafolo killed Jack because it turned out she was a spy. He hung up on me.

I posted on this problem before but America has yet to heed my dire warning. Tivo and DVR are eradicating the social bonds which hold this country together.

In the grand days before Tivo people could gather at work and have conversations. What did people talk about? Work? No! Love life? No. Kids? No way. They talked about Norm from Cheers. How many fat guys were called "Norm" because of that show. And everyone would yell it every time they walked into a room. That's social cohesion folks. That's everyone being in on the joke. If someone was called a "Claven" everyone got it. And people laughed and bonded. It was a beautiful time in America.

But now sadly those days are gone. Television is a solitary exercise. You can't make fun of how badly an actor died anymore because there's three people in the office three episodes behind who don't know the character's dead yet. Or worse yet, they're waiting for the season to finish to just watch the whole season. These people are what I call "The long term TiVo'er."

I wrote last year about this:

At workplaces across America, conversation invariably falls to the big shows of our time. But there's always someone who starts yelling, running in place, and holding their ears until everyone stops talking about a certain show. "Don't talk about it," they screech. "I have it on TiVo." But then you find out that they're not just one episode behind. They're six months behind. You see, they saw Season One and they loved it but Season two was on against their other favorite show so they're just getting around to watching it now. So even though we're in Season 3 now we can't even talk about Season Two now. And we won't be able to talk about last night's episode until next July.

And then these people don't even leave to allow the three of us who saw the show to talk about it with each other. So we sit silently. We can't share. No catchphrases. We pass each other in the hallways silently. All because of TiVo. Society is falling apart because of this awful invention. Anyone remember the whole "Who Shot J.R.?" thing. It was a national craze. There were t-shirts. Imagine wearing that shirt and someone running around screaming, "Wahahahahonoeeeyah! Someone shot J.R.? Well thanks a lot. YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!"

Honestly, right now I know a guy who is "saving" all the American Idols to watch with his wife. But they're obviously the busiest couple in the world (no kids) because they still think the blind dude is on Idol.

I don't know how either because I see Adam Lambert everywhere. He was on Drudge for goodness sakes.

But these long term Tivo-ers, it's like they're living in an alternate universe. And we all can't be our own little universe. We need talking points in order to deal with each other. Look. I'm pretty anti-social. I'll admit it. I don't chit nor chat well at all. And television was something I could easily speak of. Without that, what the heck else can I talk about? Feelings? Forget that.

So now I feel like I've warned you. From now on, I'm going to be the guy who breaks all the rules. I don't care if you're three episodes behind in a show, I'm talking about it. Guess what? John Locke is dead. (But he may not be anymore because they blew up the island so I'm not sure what's going on now) The blind guy is off Idol. Kris won. I'm pretty sure Jack Bauer is now a Muslim. The dude who played Angel who's now on "Bones" has amnesia.

Yup. I'm that guy. I could do this all day. But I warned you. If you're guilty of Tivo abuse you're not just hurting yourself, you're destroying the country. And I'm here to stop you. If you'd like to join me in saving the country please let me know in the combox.