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13 Reasons Not to Attend Obama Elementary

News reports say that the first school in the D.C. area named after President Barack Obama opened today as the school year began.

Barack Obama Elementary School opened its doors in Upper Marlboro, Md. This school will have several unique issues:

1) Geography students will be taught there are 57 states.

2) Math students will learn that if you subtract enough you get a plus.

3) No child is allowed to attend any other school, especially private religious schools.

4) No child will put their hand on their heart during the Pledge of Allegiance.

5) The Pledge will actually not be said.

6) Abortions will be available free of charge in the "Don't wanna be punished with a baby" clinic and performed by the school nurse without parental consent.

7) No official transcripts will be kept on students or ever released.

8) Teachers must say, "Let me be perfectly clear..." before saying something completely confusing.

9) All teachers will use teleprompters.

10) The student chorus will sing "Barack Hussein Obama MMM-mmm-MMM at every event.

11) Jews are only allowed in if they promise not to expand their homes.

12) The cafeteria food stinks because Michelle Obama is in charge of the "Battle Obesity" menu.

13) Children play golf instead of doing their classwork a few days a week.

Bonus: There will be no multiplication table drills because Obama doesn't believe in drilling.

If you'd like to add any please feel free in the combox. Usually the ones you guys put in the combox are better than mine.

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35 comments:

Anonymous said...

14) Every student will sing, "This school was made for you and I." ("This land is your land" tune)

gbm3

Chris-2-4 said...

No record of "Tardies" will be kept, afterall, they are the ones they've been waiting for.

Each student will be given a High School Diploma within 30 days of enrolling in Kindergarten. Issued by the Nobel Committee.

Paul said...

Any altercations (read fights) between white and black students will result in automatic suspension of white students, with charge of "acted stupidly" placed in white students files.

Anonymous said...

15) The student handbook is a living document.

Gerry

Rick said...

14.) Fisting kits will replace boxing gloves in PE.
15.) Field trips to Planned Parenthood will replace visits to museums.
16.) First graders will be given condoms for water balloons and other uses.

matthew archbold said...

These are awesome. Where were you guys when I was writing this thing? I hate it when you guys are funnier than me. Makes me feel...inadequate.

Doug Stein said...

The whole alphabet (of sexualities) will be taught by V. Gene Robinson. Storytime (and nap supervision) offered by Kevin Jennings.

Chris-2-4 said...

The right of convicted pedophiles to establish a community center across the street should not be questioned, although the School Principal will remain completely agnostic on the wisdom of doing so.

Alex said...

Required reading starting in Kindergarden: "Heather has Two Mommies"

Anonymous said...

16) All newly hired faculty and staff are women since they have the "empathy factor".

Gerry

Anonymous said...

All homework will go into a community pile first thing in the morning to be redistributed so that those who spent hours the evening before doing their work won't have better grades than those who went home and did nothing.

Anonymous said...

Yikes.That sounds scary. So
my kids will stay home...

Anonymous said...

17) Since the Pledge of Allegiance is too controversial, the students chant "Yes we can!" while holding signs of "Hope" and "Change" (of course with His image on them!).

Gerry

Subvet said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Subvet said...

18)No proof of residency or citizenship required to register.

19)Prayer will be allowed but only if led by an imam.

Kathy said...

God Bless America will not be sung, but the newer version, as re-worked by Barack Obama's long time friend and pastor, Jeremiah Wright will be used.

Kathy said...

Classroom bullies will be sent to the principal's office, where the object of the bullying will offer his handshake to the bully, and apologize for having provoked the bullying.

Anonymous said...

18) The bus company will soon be paying the school district since cap and trade is the new district policy.

19) Joe Biden is the new vice principal.

Gerry

Kathy said...

Schoolyard fights are to be referred to as "child-caused disasters".

Wayne said...

Kathy at 12:31, that was my favorite but needs slight improvement.

"...where the object of the bullying will offer a solemn bow to the bully..."

Anonymous said...

Any problems, deficits, etc. will be the fault of the previous principal and administrators going back to whenever...

LarryD said...

Students who get the best grades will have to apologize to the other students for being "arrogant".

PattyinCT said...

LOL @ All of the above!!!

KG Jesterton said...

20) Officially there mascot is Saul Alinsky and they call themselves the Fighting Alinskys, but all their rivals call them the Fighting Lewinskys.

21) The Student Union is actually a Student Union.

Anonymous said...

Alex @ 11:20, and..and..storytime featured book 'Heather has Two Mommies' will be read by Heather's two Mommies!

Anonymous said...

To KGJ, 2:17 PM, should the mascot costume be a devil ("Lucifer")?

(From Alinsky's famous book: "Lest we forget at least an over-the-shoulder acknowledgment to the very first radical: from all our legends, mythology, and history (and who is to know where mythology leaves off and history begins — or which is which), the first radical known to man who rebelled against the establishment and did it so effectively that he at least won his own kingdom — Lucifer")

Gerry

Dirtdartwife said...

Upon entry into the school, all students will file past a team of adults and receive the Gardisil vax.

Parents will not be permitted past the metal detector.

Anonymous said...

Wayne @ 1:37 PM, shouldn't "bullies" be replaced with something like "disenfranchised students" or "misunderstood youths" and "bullying" with "misappropriated playing" (or something else)?

Gerry

Anonymous said...

The school nurse will have a panel to decide which children are worthy of lice removal and which children are outside the parameters of the lice removal plan.

Anonymous said...

A universal bandaid kit will be offered to lower income students, while the other students work to make and pay for the bandaids.

Anonymous said...

A law suit will be brought against all crossing guards who are trying to enforce already existing crossing laws, because pedestrian children should not be profiled.

Anonymous said...

All students will have to pay for the school health plan unless they are from Nebraska.

Ranting Catholic Mom said...

All children will be provided with a free breakfast in order to insure they spend as little time in the morning with their families as possible. They will receive education in the morning followed by a free lunch, more education, a free afternoon snack and after school care. If necessary, children will receive free bus transportation to school, and free bus trip to a place close to their home. If the child's parent live in an area not serviced by our bus system, the parents will be reimbursed 50 cents per mile to bring their own children to school for the free breakfast, education, lunch, education, snack, childcare, regime. We want to be sure every child and every family is completely dependent on the government we create. Please don't fight against us. We know what is best for you and your children. We know how to numb their brains with bad or meaningless literature. We know how to hide the true lessons of history. We know how to be sure that your child never believes in anything other than him or herself. (We learned that from Descartes.) Do you really think you can stop us from instilling relativism in your children? Didn't you go to college? Ha ha ha ha ha: You are fools to try!!!

Anonymous said...

The kids do not actually have to learn anything but just be counted 'present'.


And those with the most money win.

Tony said...

The children who earn A's will have to give them to the children with F's until everyone has a C average.

Whatever the average is will become a C.

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