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Catholics for Vuvuzelas

First it was contraception, then abortion. Now the Pope wants to ban something else...Vuvuzelas. News reports indicate that Pope Benedict XVI,a former Nazi Youth and former head of the office formerly known as the Inquisition, is now banning the popular musical instrument which brought millions joy during the World Cup.

When Pope Benedict XVI visits England he is expected to draw large crowds but the Vatican's ban of vuvuzelas has not come without considerable controversy. (In case you don't know what vuvuzelas are click here)

"Is the Catholic Church just against all fun?" asked one devout Catholic who said he was going to buy a Vuvuzela in protest. "I read somewhere that even Popes back in the...like 1300's used Vuvuzelas all the time or something. So this edict is totally hypocritical."

Some quick polling on the issue showed that American Catholics were split as they are on so many issues. 20 percent of Catholics were for the ban because it is the loudest most annoying sound on Earth, eight percent of Catholic were against the Pope's condemnation while the rest had never watched a soccer match so had no idea what a Vuvuzela was.

So vehement is the outrage against the Pope's stringent ban that a new group was established called "Catholics for Vuvuzelas." The group, which already has 453 Facebook friends, is believed to be a splinter group of "Catholics for Free Choice." The headline banner of the site reads "My Lips, My Choice."

"The Pope has no right to decree that I can't use a....whatever that thing is," said one woman who was raised Catholic. "It's bad enough that the Pope wants to tell us what we can do in our bedroom but to tell us what musical instruments we can use? No way."

When asked if she thought she'd go to Hell for using a vuvuzela she asked, "What's Hell? I'm not familiar with that term."

One church in California was intending to hold a Teen vuvuzela Mass playing the song catalogue of Peter, Paul and Mary but they cancelled the Mass because the guitarists and tambourine players who typically play at the Teen Mass felt slighted and many other said that the vuvuzela was the most annoying sound in the world.

One Teen Mass coordinator said that he believes if someone feels they can get closer to God by using a vuvuzela then they should use it. "Who is the Pope to outlaw someone's spiritual free expression, man?"

He said he went to see his pastor shortly after the shocking announcement and his priest told him that everyone must ultimately follow their own conscience when it comes to vuvuzelas.

A spokesperson for the United Nations said they may consider funding the distribution of vuvuzelas to Third World countries. Of course, they'll also put condoms inside.

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25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Holy Father may get reported to the UN for human rights vuvuzela violations.

George @ Convert Journal said...

This is really funny!

There is however, more to the story. Press coverage of the Catholic vuvuzela scandal continues. Op-ed pieces in the New York Times have condemned the action. The MSM extensively interviews those offering voices of reason, understanding and tolerance. Follow-on polls show that the majority of Americans are opposed to the pope's unilateral action.

Meanwhile over at the UN, sanctions are being considered. The brazen Catholic action marginalizes the instrumental choice of many. How they use their lips is a personal, private matter. Their effective condemnation is also viewed as a violation of their human rights and considered unconscionable hate speech.

Jerome said...

This is a parody, right?

Left-Footer said...

That's it Man, I'm gonna lapse.

But first a question: how do I lapse?

LarryD said...

Brilliant!

Subvet said...

Was this spoken ex cathedra? If not then I'll be tooting my vuvuzela at Mass this weekend in order to show solidarity with persecuted liturgists worldwide!

They can have my vuvuzela when they pry it from my cold dead hands!

PattyinCT said...

Has Obama reported this to the UN too - as another example outside of Arizona for Human Rights Violations?? Heheheh

Blackrep said...

Vuvuzelas: peccata contra naturam sunt gravissima.

Early Riser said...

I just read an NCR piece written by Sister Butch Harriwomyn where she expounds, "This is typical of the Vatican. What about asking OUR perspective? Of course we don't appreciate the phallic symbolism of the vuvuzela, so we would have told the Vatican they can go ahead with the ban. But still! The nerve! Banning the Vuvuzula is just another example of the problems that come when you have a mysogenistic, archaic, hierarchical, secretive and exclusionary power-structure...which can only be resolved by women priests."

Eileen said...

"My Lips, My Choice"

Be careful, someone might actually try to pick up that catch-phrase.

You Archbolds are just wonderful.

PattyinCT said...

@Early Riser - LOL!

Pauli said...

If hell exists, which it does, there are many vuvuzelas there. There are also vuvuzelas in purgatory, but they are not as loud.

Some traditions say that the vuvuzelas in hell and purgatory have different tones and actually play music. In hell, the hideous horns sound out the 1981 Soft Cell version of "Tainted Love" while in purgatory those being purified from the temporal effects of sin are treated to "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. But these teachings are highly disputed.

Anonymous said...

I guess he's not going to worry about all those bishops who covered up those priests who used vuvuzelas and were just moved to other places where they just vuvuzela'd all over again. The document says that there is such thing as "transitory vuvuzela use". Right.

Jay Anderson said...

The vuvuzela ban is clearly racist.

William said...

This is ridiculous. People are going to use Vuvuzelas anyway. What we need to do is offer our children loving, understanding environments where they can blast their Vuvuzelas responsibly.

Again, the Vatican is siding on the side of Civilization instead of modernity. Morons.

matthew archbold said...

These are some great responses. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Islam allows each man to have up to four Vuvuzelas, but if a woman is even accused of looking at a Vuvuzela the punishment could be death by stoning. The New York Times recently wrote an article on this practice, saying we should seek to understand cultural, historic and religious differences. The story implied that only Islamophobia can explain why certain right wing Christians want to ban this practice in the U.S.

Early Riser said...

Did anyone catch soon-to-be SCOTUS wench (?) Kagan's reaction on CNN?

Reporter: "How would you rule on the Vatican's ban on Vuvuzelas?"

Kagan: "I think any organization which discriminates on the basis of musical taste shouldn't be allowed to operate, fund-raise, or appear on any government-funded campus."

Reporter: "Would this apply to Jewish groups who have banned the kazoo in recent years?"

Kagan: "That's TOTALLY DIFFERENT YOU BLATANT ANTI-SEMINTE! NEXT QUESTION!"

Ranting Catholic Mom said...

The really unfortunate result of this Vatican proclamation is that it provides young people with one more way to rebel against church teachings. It might even encourage our less orthodox sisters and brothers to hold special vuvusela masses, much like the liturgical dance craze of previous decades. We must all continue to pray for guidance.

Anonymous said...

I know this was humor, but still the "joyful noise" they make should be kept far from the Sanctuary.
But your article gave me an idea.
Weren't they vuvuzelas that were blown as the people marched around the walls of Jericho? Can we not do the same outside the abortuaries? We can call it worship and praise.

Dr_George said...

I think it might have been George W. Bush who had some sort of influence on the pope.

Anonymous said...

lol grow up fools! Any decent catholic will not take offence to that!! Dont go if you dont like what he has requested! I am sure that he will still have a mssive turn out!!! haha with the amount of verbal diahrea that has come out of the mouthes of the above comments i could firtilise my garden!! Viva Il Papa!

Early Riser said...

Anon, are you for real? This was all satire IN SUPPORT of the Vatican and our beloved Pope.

Anonymous said...

oops, AHRR!! i re-read it lol oh man! im embaressed lol I, read it on the run eeeeek! I had a bad day yesterday, please forgive me...GOD bless , VIVA IL PAPA! lol

Anonymous said...

And as always...

A former Australian Nun publishes a memoir that reveals how her superiors not only banned her recreational Vuvuzela use but they used that symbol of human freedom to beat her about the head in her gulag style 'cell'. She later left the order for an irresistable former priest who liberated her by giving her a Vuvuzela of her own. She now runs a blog known as www.thecatholicchurchblows.com.au and many of her readers have noted Cardinal Pell's hidebound absence from worldcup events in Martin place.

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