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7 Names The New Pope Should Avoid

Of all the possible advice I could give to a new Pontiff, perhaps the most important would be on the subject of name selection.

I wouldn't presume to tell the new Pope what name to pick, but I feel very qualified to tell him which names not to pick. All of the names below are previous names of Popes that should not be repeated. Let's just say they would send the wrong message or offer too many opportunities to detractors.

Hilarius.
Picking this name is just asking for trouble. Trust me, Holy Father, it will be very difficult for you to be taken seriously. Why give them such easy ammunition? You might as well call yourself Pope Chuckles I. Not a good idea.

Simplicius
While simplicity can be a virtue, I just don't think I could bear years of Bill Maher simpleton jokes. It is just too easy, why give it to them?

Severinus
Again, just too easy. Popes are already routinely mocked for being 'severe.' Why give them this. Besides, there is a whole segment of the population that will think the Pope is a character in a J.K. Rowling novel. The geeks and cranks will routinely photoshop the pope into black robes and long greasy hair. If we wanted that, we would just elect Ozzy Pope. So no.

Lando.
Again, no geeks references. No Star Wars names, period. Sorry, Pope Luke is out too. No Pope should have to endure comparisons to Billy Dee Williams or even Darth Vader. Frankly, I am not sure which is worse.

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*subhead*No not that name!*subhead*

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11 comments:

Servent of the Cheif said...

Considering most Catholics don't speak English, I'd say almost all these names bar Peter are perfectly acceptable and even good.

spraffmeister said...

Funnily enough, I would say we British view the unisex names as being an American thing. Though Adrian does sound more British (but only as a guy's name).

I'm going for Leo XIV (and I hope the guy who chooses the name comes from a country with a lion on the flag ;-) )

Sophia's Favorite said...

Who said anything about unisex names? They said boys' names that sound like girls' names, which is not the same thing at all. E.g. Evelyn Waugh or Hilary Belloc (yes, that was really what people—e.g. his pal Gilbert—called him).

On the other hand, Joyce Kilmer was an American. I'll concede that. It's still more associated with the UK than here.

Gregory Roth said...

The pope should probably stay away from Formosus II. Between the comparisons between the name and fermentation, as well as being the successor to a pope who was put on trial and thrown into the Tiber would be something the media would have a firestorm with.

Gregory Roth said...

The pope should probably stay away from Formosus II. Between the comparisons between the name and fermentation, as well as being the successor to a pope who was put on trial and thrown into the Tiber would be something the media would have a firestorm with.

Lori said...

And no Sixtus VI! Can't be pronounced without laughing, if it can be pronounced at all.

priest's wife said...

I am hoping for either Gregory or Joseph I

Sophia's Favorite said...

@Gregory Roth: given French and Italian are the default languages at the Vatican, "Formosus" would probably suggest the word that French and Italian get from a related source. Namely, "cheese" ("fromage" in French, "formaggio" in Italian). Also the old name of Taiwan.

Maurisa said...

Ooh, I'd love to see Leo XIV! Our first two sons were named John Paul and Benedict. Our third son we named Leo. It would look like we anticipated it! Ha!

Redfeather said...

Joseph I, in honor of the just man Joseph, stepfather of Jesus, and dear Joseph Ratzinger our current pope for the next few hours would be duly fitting I think.

Redfeather said...

OM Gosh, just listened to Carl Bernstein pontificate on MSNBC about how the cardinals need to convene a Vatican III to update the Church to meet the needs of the modern world. Poor Father Barron, sitting beside him, I'm sure would have liked to explode. Hold on to your hats and prepare for the insanity of the MSM. BTW, Father Barron spoke eloquently in how both our JPII and Benedict XVI were popes of evangelization. If that isn't meeting the needs of the modern world, what is!!!???

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