Priest Invents Technology For Better Liturgy

Fr. Erik Richtsteig is at his best when he's fed up. Thankfully the world offers plenty of opportunities for him to be fed up. The latest instigator of his getting incensed is Shambulation, the priestly practice of strutting around the sanctuary during the homily, instead of delivering the homily from the pulpit.

This is also known as The Phil Donahue Syndrome; especially so when it is coupled with the reprobated practice of the so-called dialogue homily. (Anything with the word dialogue in it can't be good!) How do we address this problem? Better liturgy through technology!

Specifically through a strong electromagnetic plate positioned under the pulpit. The offenders will simply be issued special shoes with steel plates in the soles. As soon as the homily begins, a switch is thrown and, presto, no shambulation.

I also believe that with sufficient research this technology can also be applied to the abuse of inviting the congregation into the Sanctuary. Just imagine. Next time this happens in your parish, flip a switch and they will be hurled back into the pews. (This could also be useful with Water Witches (aka Poncho Ladies(tm)).

I'm unsure whether Fr. Richtsteig will be applying for any federal grants for the research but I'm sure he will keep us updated.

If you're not checking out Fr. Richsteig over at Orthometer often you're missing out.

Where Do Art Projects Go To Die?

Being the father of five I sometimes feel that I'm getting pretty good and the whole parenting thing. But as my children are all fairly young I'm asking for help. Now, you must understand this is very difficult for me. I'd rather be lost for hours than ask for directions. I'd rather be dipped in mud and bugs than ask for help in just about anything.

But this situation has gotten out of hand. I have an eight year old in second grade and a six year old in Kindergarten and they're just starting to make projects. Now we all have fun making them. We bond and it's great fun and we take pride in it. My children tend to think big in these types of things so we don't just have paper cherubs we have cardboard angels. We don't make posters we create murals. You get the idea. And I'm all for it because I'm a little crazy and I'm secretly desperate for them to be the best in their classes. But the problem occurs when the children bring the projects home.

So now we have something quite large we all worked on together, took pride in, and laughed about AND IT'S SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR LIVING ROOM! Now I can't tell them to put it in their room because the four girls are all in one room and there's just no more room. I can't put it in the boy's room because it's not his and let's face it the life expectancy of a cardboard angel alone with the boy is about twenty minutes.

Now I know other parents must have dealt with this. What do you do with huge giant humongous projects...which by the way they take great considerable pride in. When company comes over the children show off their projects.

I refuse to let my home become a museum of elementary school projects. So do I throw them away when they're sleeping, hold some kind of "letting go" ceremony, take a picture, make them throw it away? Flush it? I know some of you have been through this. What did you do? If you have any ideas I'm listening.

TiVo is Destroying Society!

TiVo is the worst thing to ever happen to me, everyone I know, and America in general. Probably Europe too but...they've got a lot of other problems too so let's leave them out of this.

Remember the good old days when people gathered at work in the morning. What did people talk about? Work? No! They talked about Bonanza and Mary Tyler Moore. They would talk about how Little Joe fooled Hoss into riding the wild horse or that great funny line from Ted Knight. And people laughed and bonded. Catchphrases were born and people said them to each other as they passed and they laughed.

But now, sadly, those days are gone. Because of TiVo. Case in point; last night I got done watching Lost and my brother called me right as it ended. So I start talking about what had just happened to my favorite character John Locke. Well my brother acts like he's having some kind of episode. He starts screaming "Wahahahahonoeeeyah!"

"Are you OK?" I ask. (Because I'm a nice guy) But he answers that he hadn't seen "Lost" yet. "But it was just on," I said. It turns out he's going to watch it sometime this week with his wife.

When did television shows start being "saved" for the wife? It's bad enough that it happened with movies. But now television? But my little problems aren't really the focus here.

The long term TiVo'er is the real problem. At workplaces across America, conversation invariably falls to the big shows of our time. But there's always someone who starts yelling, running in place, and holding their ears until everyone stops talking about a certain show. "Don't talk about it," they screech. "I have it on TiVo." But then you find out that they're not just one episode behind. They're six months behind. You see, they saw Season One and they loved it but Season two was on against their other favorite show so they're just getting around to watching it now. So even though we're in Season 3 now we can't even talk about Season Two now. And we won't be able to talk about last night's episode until next July.

And then these people don't even leave to allow the three of us who saw the show to talk about it with each other. So we sit silently. We can't share. No catchphrases. We pass each other in the hallways silently. All because of TiVo. Society is falling apart because of this awful invention. Anyone remember the whole "Who Shot J.R.?" thing. It was a national craze. There were t-shirts. Imagine wearing that shirt and someone running around screaming, "Wahahahahonoeeeyah! Someone shot J.R.? Well thanks a lot. YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!"

I knew a guy who was six months behind on "The Sopranos" all the time and got really really angry when he overheard that a main character got chopped up in a bathtub. So, according to him, nobody was allowed to talk about "The Sopranos" because he worked there. Talk about a hostile work environment. It's getting to the point that when we interview people for jobs we should ask them what their favorite shows are, which shows they're all up to date on, and which shows are not allowed to be discussed. If their shows match up with current workers they will likely be hired. It's like affirmative action but for couch potatoes.

The whole thing makes me a little angry. Oh. And this is for my brother who didn't watch "Lost" last night. John Locke got chopped up in a bathtub in last night's episode. (Not really)

From Iraq With Love To Stephen King

Novelist Stephen King recently insulted the troops by saying to a room full of children, "If you can read, you can walk into a job later on. If you don't, then you've got the Army, Iraq, I don't know, something like that. It's not as bright." The troops poked some fun back at King who I'm sure will take it snobbishly. They'll go about saving the world while King will go back to writing about clowns eating children.

You Gotta' See This

This is a great find from one of the funniest priests in the blogosphere, Fr. Erik Richtsteig. He says:

Two thoughts: First, I hope she never had to teach teenage boys. Second, I wonder what she did to so annoy the novice mistress.

Go check out Orthometer. Has anyone else come across any strange nun names?"

Cardinal Mahony Sells Naming Rights for Cathedral

To help the Los Angeles archdiocese pay off the “crippling debt” accrued from sexual abuse settlements, Cardinal Roger Mahony will soon announce that his new $200 million Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels in downtown Los Angeles will now be called Auto Zone's Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels.

Mahony said the unobtrusive naming rights are the best way to ease its financial recovery from the settlements.

According to the March 14 Tidings, the archdiocesan newspaper, from two sexual abuse settlements – last year’s “global settlement” of 508 cases and a December 2006 settlement of 45 cases – the archdiocese has agreed to pay $720 million over the next few years. That coupled with the skyrocketing costs of the Cathedral inspired the naming rights breakthrough.

Mahony said the Church will be back in the black soon enough, after this idea.

A few other "untraditional" changes to the Cathedral is a bowl of holy water which is kept near each entrance to the church will have a small tasteful sign underneath that "Evian" is the official water used for holy water.

In baptism's the priest might even say, "I baptize you in the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit...And Evian, the purveyor of fresh spring water around the globe.

Naming different parts of the Mass including: When transubstantiation occurs the priest will say "As this wine changes into blood, remember that when your car needs a change, Auto Zone is there."

In his excitement Mahony began looking for sponsors for the the kneelers in the pews but he'd forgotten that there aren't any.

Karen's Mad Parenting Skills at Best Buy

Karen, with 7 year old son in tow, makes a trip to Best Buy. Hilarity Ensues. She hopes a jury won't convict her but she may be willing to take the chance. Check her out over at Some Have Hats.

And that brings me to the point of this post, which is to give a little friendly advice to teenagers who work in retail. Let's call this lesson "How to Avoid Being Snarled At by a Woman with a Small Child."

So here comes Bob the friendly Best Buy Guy. Can he help us?

Me: No thanks, we're fine.
Caleb: (semi-crying) I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'll never do it again I swear I'm sorry I'm sorry...
Bob: Were you looking for a video game?
Me: We were, but we changed our minds. Thanks anyway.
Caleb: NOOOOO!!!! I'm sorry, I mean it, I'm really sorry, I just want one...etc.

Bob starts away, but then, out of the corner of my eye, I see him head back toward us. This can't be good, thinks I.

To find out Bob's fate, go check her out over at Some Have Hats.

"Our Dad Takes Care Of Us"

My children had off from school Thursday and Friday. So I took them to see "Horton Hears a Who" yesterday which they all loved. And I liked it as well though I couldn't help but make the analogy to the abortion issue. Then we went to the park and had a great time there. As the children were going to sleep they were excitedly asking what we had planned for the next day.

This morning, I opened the refrigerator and saw we were out of eggs, pancake mix and even waffles (even though we buy them by the gross, I think). So being a lazy bones and wanting to give the kids a thrill I announced we were going to McDonalds for breakfast. (Don't you dare judge me.) I told everyone to get in the van which they all did in about four seconds.

While we were eating at McDonalds my eight year old suddenly looked up and began pointing out how inappropriately dressed they all were. We had one with red shorts and a pink top which is a big no-no she said because they don't just not match, they clash. We had all sorts of colors and headbands and ponytails tilted to the side of their head kinda like was in fashion in the 1980's. My three year old son had matching shoes but they were on the wrong feet.

My eight year old looks at me and says, "These outfits scream 'our Dad takes care of us." I had to agree. When we got home everyone got baths and now we're going to the library.

This story is only coming to you because my wife hardly ever reads the blog and I'm confident none of you will ever meet her.

My Daughter's Communion Was For The Birds

My daughter's first communion was yesterday. Unlike Patrick's tale of woe, it was a fully reverential and moving affair. All the children bowed low before the Eucharist. And after receiving the Eucharist my daughter didn't even make eye contact with us even though we were seated nearby. She was solemn and prayerful. I was very proud.

She read the Prayer of the Faithful beautifully and when I asked her afterwards if she'd been nervous she looked at me like I was crazy. (Just the way her mother does)

But one odd and funny thing happened I wanted to share. Actually two. When we came in to Church we noticed two birds flying around the altar. They were attracted to the altar, I think, because of the flowers. (I don't think they were Catholic as they didn't genuflect but that doesn't mean anything anymore) But they were swishing and zooming around our Pastor's head.

Now mind you, the church was a heck of a lot more packed than is typical for our parish and I know this greatly upsets the priests at my parish because they bend over backwards trying to do anything and everything to get people to come to Mass regularly. But our Pastor at the beginning of Mass said he tried all night to get the birds out, including turning all the lights off and leaving the front doors wide open, running, chasing, and screaming after them, and making crow noises into the microphone system. I half think the birds stayed just to see what he would do next.

So our Pastor concluded we would just have to ignore them. And then he said a thought just struck him. "I know what I'll do," he said. "I'll baptize them so that way they'll only come to Church twice a year at Christmas and Easter."

Some people laughed. Many didn't.

But overall it was a great, beautiful and prayerful day.

Anti-Social Man Hopes Company Arrives Soon

An anti-social man said today that he hopes his guests will arrive soon. While some experts are saying they believe this new attitude to be an emotional breakthrough, some are more skeptical.

Matthew Archbold, who frequently writes for the blog Creative Minority Report, has a daughter receiving her first Communion tomorrow and guests aren't expected until Sunday at 1 p.m..

"I'm very excited about this," said Archbold, an infamous anti-social curmudgeon. "I can't wait for the party to start."

Some sociologist experts are however speculating that Archbold simply wants the company to arrive only because it would mean an end to cleaning the house. "We keep the house pretty tidy," said Archbold. "But now she wants me to dust under my books. I mean come on! How much dust can get under a book?"

Archbold's wife also seems to think all toys must not only be put away but out of sight. Archbold made a joke that we have to erase any evidence that children live in the house. The "joke," however, did not go over well with his wife.

His wife also cleaned the oven, something Archbold completely didn't understand as the family had already ordered lunch meat for the party. "Do you really think someone's going to look in the oven?" Archbold asked but only received a nasty glance.

And suddenly as of noon, Archbold's wife declared she wanted him to put the doors on the entertainment center (something he'd promised to do weeks ago.) Archbold said he'd attempted to do it but couldn't immediately locate the right size screwdriver so gave up. Some experts (including Archbold's wife) say he gave up too soon.

"Normally I'm not a big fan of having company," said Archbold. "But I can't wait for people to get here. I've already called a friend of mine and asked him to get here as early as he can."

But even that ploy doesn't always work, as is well known after the infamous Christening incident in 2003 when a friend showed up early and Archbold's wife actually put him to work, this destroying weeks of planning between the two friends.

The children, while doing everything asked of them, have repeatedly sent their father imploring looks as to when he would be able to stop the torture. At one point Archbold was sent out to the store and every one of his children volunteered to join him.

Priest's Sock Puppet Hears Confessions

A priest’s sock puppet has been caught secretly hearing confessions in a downtown Philadelphia Catholic Church.

The puppet, introduced to the church during a homily six years ago by Fr. Michael McBrien has recently become a mainstay of Mass. “Father Doozy” wears a Roman collar and speaks in a high pitched shrill voice and often reminds everyone not to eat too much candy.

The dozens of parishioners who said they’ve gone to confession over the past six years all said they all still like “Father Doozy” but feel he definitely crossed a line.

Fr. Doozy would often be taken out of his drawer during homilies, especially those sermons which were focused towards children. “The kids love the puppet,” said Fr. McBrien. “Look, our church has to stay relevant and Fr. Doozy helps us do that. Sometimes I bring out my guitar and me and Fr. Doozy sing duets of old Peter, Paul and Mary songs but I change the lyrics up a little to make them more hip.”

The puppet confession scandal would seem to date back years as Fr. McBrien said he actually hasn’t heard a confession in six years. “I didn’t think we did that anymore,” admitted Fr. McBrien. “I thought Vatican II did away with all that stuff.”

The priest assured parishioners that the confessions heard by Father Doozy are still valid though. “You know it’s like those people were talking to God and yeah Father Doozy isn’t really a priest but as long as those people found truth in what Father Doozy said then that’s cool.”

The local bishop put out a statement to parishioners: “If you confessed your sins and the priest screeched, ‘Whoa that’s a doozy’ (which is the puppet’s catchphrase) then it was probably the puppet. Or if your penance was three cartwheels and a trip to Chuck E. Cheese then your confession was probably heard by a sock puppet.”

Fr. McBrien said the puppet would surely apologize to the congregation but not during the homily. “The homily is a little too important to interrupt," said Fr. McBrien. "Fr. Doozy will likely make an announcement right before Communion.”

I Didn't Know Scooby Was Catholic

The Paschal Mystery Machine is owned by the Diocese of Green Bay Wisconsin. Seminarian, Quinn Mann often showcases this vehicle on camping expeditions with a group called Catholic Youth Expeditions. He and his group use this unique vehicle to help promote the Gospel as well as evangelize the Catholic faith. Quinn is a third year Theologian studying for the Priesthood for the diocese of Green Bay Wisconsin.

Notice the "Jesus Fish" on the grill and the "Monstrance" hood ornament as well as a Holy Water font inside.

I honestly don't know if it frightens me more than makes me laugh. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't send my kids anywhere in it. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that it's out there but I'm glad it's many many states away. For some reason it just freaks me out and if confronted with it I'd be saying, "Like Zoinks, let's get out of here." And then I'd run in place for a few seconds before taking off like a shot out of a cannon (while hearing lovely British invasion music in the background).

Just one more thought. Imagine how different the papal visit would've been if Pope Benedict would've cruised the eastern seaboard in this bad boy. I'm thinking not as positive but a hit with the 18-34 crowd.

H/T McGivney's Hands

Obama's Bitter Pill™

Have you ever suffered from Male Economic Dysfunction?

Are you frustrated because economic conditions in your small town have not improved?

Do you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night with a bible in one hand and a gun in the other?

Have you found yourself irrationally lashing out at recent immigrants just because they don't look like you?

Have you soured on the idea of free-trade?

Well, you are not alone! You, and millions like you, suffer from a condition known as

Bumpkin Bitterness Disorder ©

Fortunately, now there is help! You don't have to suffer anymore.

Obama Pharmaceuticals has just introduced its remarkable new Obama's Bitter Pill™! The new Obama's Bitter Pill™ will cure you of these horrible symptoms and much much more!

Obama's Bitter Pill™ will treat the following:
Gun toting, Bible Thumping, Snake Handling, Church Going, Banjo Playing, Sibling Seduction, Foreigner Fury, Moonshine Drinking, and many other reactionary behaviors!

Best of all, the Obama's Bitter Pill™ will be provided for you absolutely free of charge. To qualify for a four year supply of Obama's Bitter Pill™, you only need to elect Barack Obama President of the United States.

So if you suspect that you might be a bitter bumpkin, vote for Barack Obama!

***Warning*** Possible side effects of Obama's Bitter Pill™ include, but are not limited to elitism, snobbery, disdain for your own country, flag pin repulsion, higher taxes, prolonged recession, loss of freedoms, legal infanticide, and complete surrender of sovereignty.

***Note*** Obama's Bitter Pill™ not currently available in any major American cities but can be readily found at your local country store and at a Walmart near you.

The Wrong Wake

This is a good, funny and touching story by Jennifer over at Conversion Diary about going to a wake a few days ago.

Yesterday I found myself alone in a room with the body of a deceased person.

My husband's grandfather passed away this weekend after a long illness, and we went to the funeral yesterday. We arrived at the funeral home an hour early, and I went inside to use the restroom while my husband gave the kids some snacks in the car. As I walked through the lobby to the restroom near the little nondenominational chapel, I realized there was nobody else in the building. It was completely silent.

As I walked back toward the lobby, I saw someone in the next room. I was startled to realize it was my husband's grandfather, lying in an open casket in the viewing room. I hadn't expected there to be a viewing, and I only met him a couple times, but it felt somehow rude to just walk by. So I crept into the room and stood next to the white coffin for a moment. Everything was so still. My breathing was the only motion, the only sound in the whole building.

Read the rest. It's worth it!

An April Fool's Tragedy

On April Fool's Day my six year old daughter walked into the room while I was attempting to catch up to date on Battlestar Galactica Season 3. She was wearing a princess costume with a belt around her waist and a styrofoam sword sheathed under it.

Cute. But she's crying. Tears running down quietly. "Dad. Dad," she cried. "Nobody's falling for my April Fool's jokes."

My five year old sensing she's being told on comes darting in. She's wearing her ballerina outfit with my Saint Joe's baseball cap. I'm not really sure what was going on there but she explains herself. "Dad. They're just not good jokes."

Seeing me unconvinced my five year old explains further, "Dad. She keeps saying 'look there's a giant spider behind you' and 'the roof is falling down.'

She then tells me that to make a good April Fool's joke you have to say something that actually happens to make the person believe it. "When you try to fool someone you have to say something like there's a bug in your hair."

My five year old worries me greatly.

When I Grow Up I Wanna Be a Cannibal

Ted Turner appeared on PBS' Charlie Rose and spoke in dire terms on the consequences of not taking drastic and immediate action to correct global warming:

Not doing it will be catastrophic. We'll be eight degrees hottest in ten, not ten but 30 or 40 years and basically none of the crops will grow. Most of the people will have died and the rest of us will be cannibals.

Let's get this straight. In 30 years we're all going to be cannibals? And this guy is still treated with respect and asked on other shows?

Remember on Ash Wednesday a few years ago Turner accused Catholics of being "Jesus Freaks." My friend, I'd rather be a Jesus freak than a cannibal any day of the week.

But on the off chance that I do turn into a cannibal guess who I'm coming to see.

I Haven't Seen A Pope This Confused Since...

Pope is an Episcopalian. No, not that Pope.

Rt. Rev. Clarence C. Pope Jr., former Episcopal Bishop of Ft. Worth and multiple Catholic convert has returned to the Episcopal Church, again! Rev. Pope has left the Episcopal Church a grand total of three times to join the Catholic Church, only to eventually return to the Episcopal Church. Now he has done it again! David Virtue gives us the scoop on the very capricious clergyman.

Pope, 76, announced August 2007 that he was returning to the Roman Catholic Church. He was the second bishop in as many months to leave The Episcopal Church for Rome. The Rt. Rev. Dan Herzog, Bishop of Albany, recently renounced his orders following his retirement and returned to the Roman Catholic Church.

This was the third time Pope had left the Episcopal Church and gone to Rome.

Bishop Pope was first received into full communion with the Catholic Church in the mid-1980s. According to a Roman Catholic priest who has followed the bishop's wanderings, Bishop Pope, facing surgery, returned to the Catholic Church. This lasted a few months. His ordination was delayed longer than he had expected and he returned to ECUSA. "This second return to the Catholic Church was kept very quiet, however; very few people seemed aware of it, and a priest on the staff of Saint Luke's in Baton Rouge adamantly maintained that the Bishop and Mrs. Pope were at the altar rail there consistently every Sunday.
...
Pope once again, left The Episcopal Church in October 1994. He denied then that he was leaving, right up until the day he left, said a source. "When he made the announcement, he said he planned to seek ordination as a Roman Catholic priest. He told us he had known for the previous two years that he would go to Rome," said Katie Sherrod, a liberal in the diocese.

Now he has done it again.

So you know there has to be a joke in here somewhere. Everybody join in....

I haven't seen a Pope this confused since...

• That Papal mass in Papua New Guinea with the half naked woman in the tribal outfit did the readings.
• The Pope looked in his closet and said "I can't make up my mind today. Should I wear white, white, or white?"
• The Pope asked "What do you mean the Muslims didn't like my speech?"
• The Pope watched the James Cameron documentary on the Bones of Jesus and remarked to Cardinal Sodano "Is this right? Crap, now I have to get a real job!"
  
• The Pope read the secrets of Fatima and yelled to the camerlengo, "Hey! Who lost the last page?"

Your turn.

Vote Kevorkian ... Or Else!

Assisted-suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian announced today he is running for Congress.

The 79-year-old Kevorkian has told reporters in Southfield, Mich., that he is running in the November election as an independent for a congressional seat representing Detroit's suburbs.

We Creative Minority Reporters wish to voice our unabashed support for the legendary Dr. Death. In support of the campaign, which we anticipate might be low on funds, we have created the following bumper stickers and campaign buttons in support of Jack free of charge.

If you see us on the road with these stickers on the back of our minivans on the way to pull the plug on Granny, be sure to give us a honk and a special wave.

If you have any other ideas for a bumper sticker to support Kevorkian for Kongress Kampaign, let us know.

Kids' Rock

I love children. Love 'em. The good Lord has blessed me with five of my own. Love kids. Love almost everything about them. Almost everything.

I must admit that the sound of these beautiful little angels singing is like...like...nails on a chalkboard to me. Painful. Like stick ice picks in my ears and watch Marlee Matlin movies painful.

So if you are like me and the sound of itsy bitsy spider is enough to make you run screaming into the cul-de-sac, well I have the solution for you. Kid's Rock by Tim Hawkins. You will never look at kids music the same.

We Are Hopeful About Change

We Creative Minority Reporters, We happy Creative Minority Reporters are thankful for the votes we received for the Best New Blog Award. This great award is clearly a mandate for change. And the change is hope.

The light of hope has been carried all year out of the caves of the darkness of despair and finally now we march under the banner of hope and into the fields of change.

We are the change we've been waiting for.

Our hope is to change everything without actually naming one thing we aim to change. I hope we can pull it off.

We have kept at bay the darkness of other fledgling bloggers and sought to redeem the blogosphere with a hopeful message of change. You have joined us Creative Minority Reporters on our quest to one day lead the blogosphere away from the tabernacle hiding, Fr. Richard McBrien loving, free-choice cafeteria Catholics.

Thank you again. Thank you for your mandate for change. Let's hope we can change things.