You Might Not Be A Catholic If...

When asked what religion you are, you say, "I was raised Catholic..."

If you've said, "I'm a Catholic but I think for myself..."

You refer in an un-mocking manner to "The Spirit of Vatican II."

If you're pro-choice.

If you're on the NY Times speed dial for their religion stories.

You're Father Richard McBrien.

You can't remember if you went to Mass last Christmas.

If upon someone questioning your devotion to your faith you say, "Well what about the priest sexual abuse scandal?"

If you've said, "The Church is all about money."

If you didn't get the big deal about "The DaVinci Code."

If you say, "I'm more spiritual than religious..."

If you attend Saint Joan of Arc in Minneapolis.

If you've said, "The Church should stay out of my bedroom!"

If you call Jesus "a great philosopher."

If you think the overriding message of the gospels is "Judge not lest ye be judged."

If you think the puppet gave a good sermon.

If you believe the frump in the moo-moo has a valid ordination.

If you're an Obamaniac.

If you believe we haven't had a Pope since 1958.

If your name is Bishop Williamson.

If your house was on fire and you'd save your Marty Haugen's Greatest Hits Volume II CD.


  1. LOL the last one has to be the clincher.

  2. You might not be Catholic if....

    You read Vox Nova

  3. You might not be Catholic if....

    You have said, I don't go to mass much anymore because I don't get anything out of it.

  4. I love it! BTW, if you are referring to the "frump" clothing, you may have meant muʻumuʻu (accent marks included)

  5. I would say instead "You might not be a faithful Catholic if ..." since even bad Catholics are still Catholic.

    If you think Social Justice doesn't include abortion.

    You see no moral conflicts with voting for Barack Obama.

    If the idea of leotards in the sanctuary makes you happy.

    Subcribed to Commonweal or the National Catholic Reporter.

    You have a Hans Kung lunchbox.

    The idea of Clowns and Mass does not bother you.

    Gary Wills is your idea of a faithful Catholic.

    You have ever said "I grew up Catholic."

    You think Kevin Smith is a great Catholic filmaker.

    You wish Michael Moore had gone on to seminary.

    By the way on "If you call Jesus "a great philosopher."

    You might want to read Peter Kreeft's The Philosophy of Jesus where he explores Jesus as Philosopher so this statement can be quite orthodox.

  6. You might not be Catholic if...

    you have said, the Church doesn't teach that anymore.

    you believe the Jesuits are the greatest religious order.

    you're a feminist.

    you think there is nothing wrong with Glass Flagons.

    you think the guitar is a great liturgical instrument.

    You think Archbishop Mahony would make a fine Pope.

  7. ... if you think the guitar is a great liturgical instrument... and if you ever wear flip flops to Mass and exchange recipes and gossip during the "let us all now offer each other a sign of peace" bit - which - can I just say... why is that part of the Mass? Can't we do that out on the steps of the church after Mass is over?

  8. Now we're showing our age, as my 21 yr. old would say, who sometimes does wear flip flops to Mass. I think its more that he shows his age by wearing them! (Then again, we live in the Caribbean, and there are a lot of flip flops worn in Church! More than sneakers!)

    ...If you suspect the Confirmation teacher of being a radical because she tells the kids about Sacramentals, like scapulars and relics.

    ...if you're tickled that Father is getting the Holy Thursday liturgy off the internet, and everyone will be washing everybody else's hands.

    ....if you can't understand why the Parish Council is interested in the Parish School.

  9. .... if you think the Pope doesn't care about AIDS victims because of the church's stance on contraception, condoms in particular.

    .... if you're one of the 79% polled in the recent Pew Report who think there are many religions that lead to eternal life.

    .... if you believe communal penance services suffice for the sacrament of Reconciliation.

  10. If you schedule reception of Reconciliation/Confession around your weekly labyrinth walk.

  11. One more....

    ... if you think Mass is just a meal among friends, and that the altar is a mere table.

  12. There's something wrong with the "Spirit of Vatican II?" You're talking like an SSPXer. But why the obligatory slap at the good Society by attacking its most outspoken member? (I don't think he speaks for the SSPX, but many may assume he does. In reality, the views and beliefs you espouse on this website are quite close to faith being taught by the priests and understood by the faithful of the SSPX chapel where I frequently assist at mass. You may have more in common with them than you know. Anyway, you really hit the nail on the head with this article. I'd laugh, but I have heard it all too many times. The responses are all good, too.

  13. If you don't laugh at this post and the rest of the comments.

  14. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  15. ... If you've ever stopped going to Mass and said, "I'm just not being fed there!"

    ... If you think it's "cool" that your parish pastor walks around in ripped jeans and sandals after Mass.

    What a hysterical post! Thanks for the laughs today!

  16. . . . if your favorite Catholic authors are Fr. Richard Rohr and Fr. Andrew Greeley.

  17. ...If you are the parish DRE and never heard of the word "transubstantiation."

    [yes, until recently that was the situation at my parish, but to be a little charitable maybe she's not liberal, but rather uneducated]

  18. ...If you are the parish DRE and never heard of the word "transubstantiation."

    [yes, until recently that was the situation at my parish, but to be a little charitable maybe she's not liberal, but rather uneducated]

  19. You might not be a Catholic if you're a DRE and have went broke shopping at Michaels

  20. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  21. Note: The humorless, the holier than thou, and the rude will be deleted as a matter of course.

    Please return to your regularly scheduled programming.

  22. Patrick and Matthew,

    "Note: The humorless, the holier than thou, and the rude will be deleted as a matter of course."

    Thanks a lot. I'll have you know I have an excellent sense of humor. You guys are rarely funny.
    I can take a joke guys, but I think you both know you go to far on occasions. It's not a big deal. Who doesn't go to far from time to time? But to keep deleting my comments in order to silence a word of warning to the wise (that's you guys) is ridiculous. I expected a more noble and tactful response from the Archbold brothers. God bless and keep you...


  23. Mr. T
    Had you an email address on your name, I would have sent you an email response. Since however you chose to address this in public I will address it briefly.

    You wrote :"I'll have you know I have an excellent sense of humor."

    Objection! Assuming facts not in evidence.

    When you criticize us for jeopardizing souls because of a silly joke post that says "You might not be a catholic..." it fails to qualify as mere hyperbole but rather just as humorless and rude. You are certainly entitled to your opinion, and we look forward [not really] to reading it on your blog some day. As long as this is our blog, we make the call.

    Plus, we didn't want your comments to ruin the mood. We were having fun and you seemed determined to spoil it. Please stick around, but chill.

    p.s. I deleted your comment, not Matthew. I have deleted only a handful during the past year, but yours seemed particularly unprofitable.

  24. Patrick,
    I did include an e-mail address in my first post, but something happened to it... Oh yeah: you were censoring readers concerning about the moral quality of your posts.
    Hey, I am not asking you to change who you are or what you do with your blog. I am merely asking that you watch the line between good fun and slander. That is all.


  25. You might not be Catholic can't figure out the difference between a Hail Mary pass, and immaculate reception and the Immaculate Conception.


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