98% of Catholics Don't Look at the Crucifix

You might recall the legal complaint filed against The Catholic University of America by a law professor at a nearby school on behalf of Muslims.

The complaint alleged that Muslim students couldn't pray whenever they wanted because there were all those darn crosses up everywhere. The complaint was tossed from Washington D.C.'s Human Rights Commission but CMR may suggest that after it's recent study is published, perhaps the federal government could step in and mandate that CUA remove the crosses.

The study, done by a gaggle of monkeys rented by CMR Labs, proves beyond a doubt that 98% of Catholic students who walked by the crucixies in the hallways and rooms of Catholic University didn't even look at the crucifixes and crosses.

"98 percent of Catholics ignore the crucifix altogether," said one researcher. "If they're not paying attention to the cross, why should the school be forcing its religious beliefs down the throats of students from other faiths?"

CMR's liberal theologian on staff said that only "a very small minority of Catholics ponder the mystery of the cross at all anymore."

The study isn't technically scientifically definitive in that we could only afford to rent the monkey researchers for an hour and a half but we believe it's just as reliable as other studies claiming to definitely say what Catholic do or don't do.

"What right does the Catholic University have to impede on my life when 98 percent of Catholics don't even look at the cross?" demanded one made up person whom we didn't speak to because that would require getting off our couch.

Another pretend student said she was shocked to find so many crucifxes on campus when she first attended as a freshman. She said she knew she was going to a Catholic school but she didn't think it was THAT Catholic. "I don't think the college has the right to shove their religion down my throat," she said. "Isn't that like a violation of the separation of church and state or something?"

We attempted to reach Nancy Pelosi in order to secure funding for further research but her aide said no further research was required and they would gladly quote our 98percent figure in the future and it would not be questioned at all by the adoring media. The aide predicted that within a few days, talking heads on MSNBC would be quoting the study as fact.

An anonymous aide to the President said that in a second term he could foresee the administration taking on this very important issue. "It's not an issue of religious liberty at all," he said. "It's a matter of the Church not being allowed to force Catholics and non-Catholics to view crucifixes."


  1. As a Cristero, I wear a three inch Saint Benedict crucifix on the outside of my shirt.

    This practice began with my grandparents who quickly realized the American Freemasons hated the sight of a crucifix.

    Saint John Marie Vianney has a great sermon about living under a crucifix in the home.

    Since spreading the word that two sticks are not a crucifix, many in my community now wear proper crucifixes; visible to all.


  2. This is horrible. You are not supposed to be making me laugh like this! It's Lent! I am supposed to be in penance mode =P

  3. Definitely just had a mental image of Obama saying sternly, "Mr. CUA President, tear down those crucifixes!"

  4. Maybe I make up for some of those 98 per centers... I can see three crucifixes in the room where this PC is located and I don't even have to turn my head.

  5. A friend of mine works at a crisis pregnancy center where 85% of their clients say they were not using birth control. So does that mean that only Catholics use birth control?

    1. That stat is gold. Unfortunately it is valid so no one will dare to use it.

  6. Dear Anti-Modernist: My thoughts, exactly. It is better than Laurel and Hardy.

  7. P.S. It is called a CONGRESS OF BABOONS...a gaggle of geese and a congress of baboons. I couldn't be making this up.

  8. Anonymous 11:07 How do we know that there is any gold in Fort Knox or in any research study?


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