Notes from the Apocalypse

I know everything looks bleak right now. There’s the Coronavirus, churches are closed, and now Andrew Lloyd Weber has released his musicals for free.

But I want everyone to stop being so apocalyptic. I don’t think this is how it all ends. I'm no Biblical scholar but I read all the prophecies and stuff and don't remember anything like “He that hath an ear, let him hear about binging Netflix, no NBA, or suffering from bedsores on your couch.” So I think we’re safe.

That is, unless, the Jezebel the Book of Revelation refers to, “which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication” could mean Hollywood.

Or if the beasts of the apocalypse are Joe Exotic and Carole Baskin. If that’s the case, we’re totally screwed. But in my studied opinion, I don’t think it is.

In fact, I’m trying to look on the bright side. The amazing ability of God to transform tragedy into a positive always amazes me.
Dr. Fauci has told us over and over that this will be the worst week. But let’s remember it’s Holy Week. Making something good come out of tragedy is what God does. I’m still a little unclear how he makes something good come out of the Joe Exotic documentary but I have faith.

But maybe some good coming out of this is we’re simplifying our lives. I’ve spoken to my neighbors more in the past two weeks than I have in years. I’m enjoying it. I’m pretty sure they’re all going back inside and calling their realtors.

I’m learning so much about my neighborhood though. I just heard there’s a bobcat loose in our town. Obviously that’s worrisome because…I’ve heard that animals can carry the Coronavirus. Also, bobcats have sharp flesh tearing teeth, razor-like claws, and a ravenous thirst for man blood. But mostly the Coronavirus.


So now, I’m taking the dog for all his walks because I can’t have the kids out there. The thing is they eat. All the time. Three meals a day. My son yesterday was still chewing the last bite of his breakfast when he asked what was for lunch.

The problem is that I’m right there with them. I love my kids. I don’t want them to eat and be lonely. So I eat with them. I’m gonna’ be 800 pounds by the time this quarantine is over. I’m gonna explode soon. Will that be a Corona induced death?

But don’t worry Bill Gates is on the job. He spending a lot of money to come up with a vaccine to beat the virus. Guy can’t make a Windows program that doesn’t get a virus but we’re gonna’ trust him with the real thing? Will we have to go back to the doctor every month or so for an update?

I don’t know, once I hear someone go on and on about the dangers of overpopulation. I’m not sure that’s the person I trust with a vaccine.


Comments

  1. I've been saying something similar to my family -- this is not how it all ends. Humanity has faced much larger crises in the past -- wars, famines, plagues, etc., and we've all managed to bounce back. And if this is the end of civilization as we know it, let's just hope and pray that we're all in a state of grace so we can move on to a much better place.

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  2. Thank you, Matt. I can always count on you for a good laugh and sensible, faith-filled commentary! God Bless. A Blessed Easter to all.🙏🌻

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  3. I've never believed it was apocalyptic. Pulled the fatality numbers of the seasonal flu for the last decade, plus deaths from the swine flu of a decade ago, plus current death count from covid - threw them all into a spreadsheet and graph. All but one flu season was way worse than covid has been so far. Granted, we're being hit by the seasonal flu PLUS covid, but depending on what this season's flu numbers shake out, even adding the two together may not be as high as a couple seasonal flu seasons we've had over the last decade.

    The loss of life has been tragic, but we've been through way worse without losing our collective minds.

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  4. Perfect! Thank you!

    You forgot the four motivational speakers of the apocalypse, though.

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